The Improved Way of the Superior Human (being an adult)

This is just an unordered list of behaviors I admire in people, and warnings about those I don’t. I see some of these things as being the biggest contributors to world difficulties.

1. Stop defining yourself – distinction comes from life well lived not who you hope you are or who you say you are. You are not any of the chance happenstances of your birth. It is fine to desire association but you aren’t it because you wear the hat or badge.

2. Pride is ugly, even the Bible got that right. Jodorowsky says: transform pride into dignity. Carlin laughs at our desire to be proud of things we have nothing to do with. May as well be proud of having a genetic predisposition to colon cancer.

3. Do not believe. Do not trust in faith. Have no use for hearsay or nonsense. Understand soul as your conscience and your conscious being. Satisfy it with experiences and widen your experiences as much as possible. An intelligent human is one who respects science because science is a process of observation, experimentation, and repeatability. Do not accept anecdote as evidence. Be polite but firm about this.

4. Learn to play an instrument, pick one, or some if you like, but practice it, learn it, allow it to satisfy you. Music has been scientifically tied to health. And learning new skills has been shown to stave off dementia.

5. Forget about talent lean on and respect and build SKILLS along with a healthy endurance, some might call it grit.

6. Argue only when you are dealing with people who matter to you. The only point in argument is to build a better relationship with your opponent. If you don’t want that, there is absolutely no point. Arguing otherwise is akin to egotism.

7. When trying to understand or decide a complex issue look first for precedent. How was the case decided previously. This guide can often have myriad interesting consequences recorded by history.

8. Never assume expertise in anything – ever. Unless you can honestly say you have it you’re a pretender, a poser, and more harm than good.

9. Only children imagine there is perfect honesty. Such a thing cannot and will not ever exist in human beings. We are not capable of it, nor do we want it. We want harmless and special lies that stroke our egos. Don’t long for too much of this. Don’t fish for compliments.

10. There is no single way, there are many paths, just as in the Tao. Keep yourself open to improvements in what you do.

Always be a student of your interests.

11. Read voraciously and widely it is the best way to learn and the finest way to practice using your brain. Also learning is amazingly satisfying as entertainment. If you usually read fiction, try some non-fiction. If you usually read non-fiction it’s time to shake it up with a novel.

12. Take many and long walks, not only is it great exercise it frees the mind to dream and create. Sometimes you even find treasures.

13. No single person can be nor should be all things to any other person. No person owns another person. No person can box and limit another person, many try, and many suffer the consequences.

14. Never brag, and name-drop gently and only about those who will remember you.

15. Enjoy your loneliness. Cultivate periods of boredom. Let yourself explore your thoughts. Introspection is an important skill.

16. Fix broken things Don’t just automatically replace them. There is a kind of satisfying subversive culture in repair.

17. Don’t imagine you can solve problems for others. You can only offer your opinions or options. You have not walked in that person’s shoes. On the other hand, if you know of a job for an out of work friend, mention it!

18. When you make a mistake, admit it, enjoy it. You are learning. Those who don’t make mistakes don’t make anything. Anyone who tells you they never make mistakes is either a liar or very lazy.

19. Sociopaths will try to milk pity from you. Don’t be a sociopath. Do not think only of yourself. Sociopaths are children who were never forced to socialize or grow up.

20. When you offend seek out the offense and treat it as misunderstanding. If the offense is unwarranted don’t think of it again.

21. Pay your bills as best you can. When you cannot, say you intend to and make arrangements. It’s easy to make excuses and pretend services were not rendered properly. Remember that expenses and problems are two different things. Problems are things that can’t be fixed with money.

22. Pay for your arts and entertainments. Support your favorite parts of culture.

23. Take up a martial art. I highly recommend Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. But virtually any that allow you to get sweaty with sparring will do.

24. Compliment your lover. Do not have sex with people you don’t respect. If you don’t think you’ll want to see them again, don’t touch them.

25. When your relationship ceases to provide you pleasure, end it. Shake your partner’s hand, and thank them for the special time you spent together. Understand that it may take a little while for your partner to adjust to the new conditions and be responsible about being a friend and helping them get over it. If you cannot be friends you shouldn’t have been together to begin with. If the case is you should not have been together be very kind and apologetic and be responsible for your fuck up. Do not make an enemy do not create hate. This does not mean show up for the birthday party, but you should send a card.

26. When you have ceased to enjoy something don’t continue holding on to it. Let it go. Make a gift of it or sell it, but don’t let it just collect dust on your shelf. Someone out there can appreciate it.

27. Keep trying things. If it doesn’t work the first time, that’s OK you can try again later.

Unfamiliarity is actually one of people’s biggest fears. Overcoming fear of the unfamiliar is a huge step in being an adult.

28. You are not required to have children. But if you do have children they are yours. You will fully devote to them and their needs and make them your priority. Your family and friends will likely help you, but do not expect a village to care for your offspring-it is your job.

The Great MES Dead at 60 . . . Is there anybody there?? . . .

I feel I should say a few words.
I’m always curious about those things we love, loved, and will love. Do they have meaning?
Mark Edward Smith, also known as MES or the poet vocalist anchor of the rock band The Fall has died (January 24th 2018). And it is perfectly meaningless, hell I didn’t know him. By all accounts, especially Ben Pritchard’s, and Steve Hanley’s (both former band mates who tell some cringingly disappointing tales) he was a difficult handful of unknowable drunkenness. But just the same I feel something, don’t I? If it’s not meaningful it’s at least noteworthy.
Kurt Vonnegut says that he met Jack Kerouac when Kerouac was unknowable. Someone set up the meeting but Kerouac was such a drunk he was basically a crazed person. Vonnegut’s son came home during the meeting and was at the time basically a hippy, with a backpack and shaggy look. Kerouac apparently launched into the younger Vonnegut angrily saying “You think you know me?!” Kurt’s son didn’t know him at all and was bewildered by the onslaught. The story is a sad tale, alcohol had ravaged Kerouac. Whatever Kerouac had once been was lost now, and the man wasn’t even fifty yet.
My good friend Joe Murphy managed to meet MES in Canada. He was on his honeymoon with our dear friend Ellen, whom he’d managed to marry in the early 90s (that long ago?). Sitting at a restaurant Joe happened to realize he was looking at MES at another table. Sure enough they were in town for a show, and Joe bought him a drink. MES came over to their table and thanked Joe. Joe told me later that MES had been seriously soused and was remarkably pungent. He offered to put the newlyweds on the guest list, but later when Joe and Ellen went to see if they were, they indeed weren’t on the guest list and they had other things to explore. No big deal, but perhaps MES in a nutshell?
We’d seen the Fall a number of times in the 80s each time with Brixie doing material off mid-80s albums Wonderful and Frightening World of the Fall, and well as This Nation’s Saving Grace. My friends and I argued over what Fall was the best Fall, my favorite was the Fall of slightly previous albums like Hex Enduction Hour and Slates. I adored their skronking rough-edged wholly unproduced sound. Most of their recordings from the early albums sounded like one off garage tapings. Things that would never have required a studio, and part of the appeal of that was the fact that we too had a band and we too had terrible cellar recordings of our efforts. It felt right to be associated with a band that sounded something like we could achieve. There was something else though, something deeper that resonated with our little group of mates, and that was MES’s poetic cloud. He excelled in a poetry of something akin to a rock pile, or a garbage heap, or maybe a word hurricane. It was indescribable and vast. It was his own literature. No one wrote or performed the sort of verbal onslaught MES did, and probably no one ever will again. I will provide a favorite example the song is called “Leave the Capitol”:
The tables covered in beer
showbizwhines, minute detail
its a hand on the shoulder in Leicester Square
its vaudeville pub back room dusty pictures of
white frocked girls and music teachers
the beds too clean
the waters poison for the system

Then you know in your brain
LEAVE THE CAPITOL!
EXIT THIS ROMAN SHELL!
Then you know you must leave the capitol
straight home straight home straight home
then you know in your brain
you know in your brain
leave the capitol

it will not drag me down
I will leave this ten times town
I will leave this fucking dump
one room one room
Hotel maids smile in unison
then you know in your brain
you know in your brain
LEAVE THE CAPITOL
EXIT THIS ROMAN SHELL
then you know you must leave the capitol

I laughed at the great God Pan
I didnae, I didnae
I laughed at the great God Pan
I didnae, I didnae, I didnae, I didnae
Leave the Capitol
Exist the roman shell
Then you know you must leave the capitol

Pan resides in Welsh green masquerades
on Welsh cat caravans
but the monty
Hides in curtains
grey blackish cream
and all the paintings you recall
all the side stepped cars
all the brutish laughs
from the flat and the wild dog downstairs

MES delivers all that over a very catchy riff and a tight performance of the band. I don’t think they ever did this one live for us, but I always loved it. You should go listen to it on the Youtube. He somehow makes it all fit makes it all feel like you’re listening to a pop song. Do we know what he’s talking about? Hell does even he? Bob Dylan used to rave about that, the people, especially the conservative ears, waiting desperately for his attack on mainstream culture or the meaning of the Vietnam War. They wanted so much to hear in his lyrics a clear message to their youth that was inciting them to reject the world they’d worked so hard to create (or so we all like to think, really the world is an accident of the many independent activities). Dylan always refused to agree, asked instead what things meant to people who listened to him. I don’t know if MES wrote the same way, if he was blank and just letting it happen. But it is an artist’s way. Art often enough is a bridge we build to someplace we don’t know, and crossing a distance we have no idea about, and lastly providing a reason or purpose that is entirely non-existent. Luigi Serafina some thirty plus years ago created a whole encyclopedia, that is occasionally added to over the years, of a non-existent world full of non-existent animals and plants, invented natural phenomena, occupations and activities that cannot be interpreted as the language of the Codex Serafinianus is also an artful creation. It is possibly the most useless thing ever painstakingly made, but it is nonetheless beautiful and inspiring. The author said he wanted to create, in part, the feeling of a child looking at a book before reading was possible.
MES’s lyrics remind me of this, though I’m sure there are meanings in some of his lines, and I’m sure some of the mess is reflective of his beloved pub culture, and of course football. He was a blue collar working stiff once, and once said that if the band didn’t work out, that he’d just go back to working at the docks. A little lyric book, half in German, we bought early on in the Fall’s career called The Fall Lyrics has a bit of a blurb about the albums the songs come from, “Fit and Working Again”, it reads, is about regeneration.
Another example called “A New Face In Hell”:
Wireless enthusiast intercepts government
secret radio band and uncovers secrets and
scandals of deceitful type proportions
aghast goes next door to his neighbour
secretly excited as aforementioned was a
hunter whom radio enthusiast wanted
friendship and favour of
a new face in hell
nearly a new face in hell
a muscular thick-skinned, slit-eyed neighbour
is at the table poisoned just thirty seconds
before by parties who knew of wireless
operator’s forthcoming revelation.
A new face in hell
a prickly line of sweat covers enthusiast’s forehead
as the realization hits him that the
same government him and his now dead
neighbour voted for and backed and talked
of on cream porches have tricked him into
their war against the people who enthusiast
and dead hunter would have wished torture
on. A servant of government walks in and arrests
wireless fan in kitchen for murder of his
neighbour.
A new face in hell
the dead cannot contradict sometimes the living cannot

You get a feel for his rambling storytelling which sounds a lot like so many blue-collar stories bandied about mostly urban legend-like. He’s good for slogans too, crazed things, “Stop talking to the cigarette machine!” and things chanted like “senior twilight stock replacer!” from a much more recent vintage. But I shouldn’t spend all my time just dishing these things up for you, it’s much more fun to get lost in the whirlwind of his blue-collar lit-wit.
I’ve read his book, called Renegade. It’s a bit of a mess, it starts off defensively as at the time Ben Pritchard’s harsh criticism of MES had put him on his heels. Pritchard was frustrated with MES as he was constantly abusing people and the final straw was this moment when MES was pouring beer over their tour-bus driver’s head going 80mph down the highway. Another old band mate earlier on, Mr. Hanley, tells the story of the brawl that actually ended the band to my mind it should have been impossible to resurrect it. I was unaware that they’d actually split over a fist fight in NYC in 1998. My then wife and I actually went to see The Fall in London that summer and it was MES with a couple of ladies on guitars (we hadn’t a clue who they were, and I was in a bit of a shock not seeing Scanlon or Hanley on the stage). I joked that it must be his daughters.
MES recounts the fight, it doesn’t sound good though, and I feel like it had to have taken its toll on him psychically. Of course, MES rallies and says that if it’s him and your granny on a bongo it’s still a Fall show! OK why not. Captain Beefheart wasn’t much different and doesn’t Robert Fripp recreate King Crimson every few years?
There are ramshackle poetic word salad bits in the book as well, but they don’t seem to me to hang together. I sense randomness, chaos, perhaps something like Uranium spitting out particles that can’t be predicted. MES in decay.

When Bowie passed, just a little while ago, I thought: holy shit if even David Bowie has to die . . . what chance have we got?
Sometimes I think, it’s not really important, these things we love. We fall in love for no good reasons. We fall in love with things we make ourselves familiar with, and then we harangue friends and acquaintances with it all. You didn’t love Abba? You’re crazy! Abba were great. And maybe so, maybe so, but I had MES, still do, hell I’m spinning the 2017 New Facts Emerge and I swear there’s no break in the excellence. I did not see, but I heard that he was now performing from a wheel chair. I don’t know if I care to look that up. I’d rather remember my slang king in his Guess jeans mumbling into his pocket tape recorder and shouting, “For all those who’s minds entitle themselves and whose main entitle is themselves shall feel the wrath of my bombast!”
The great MES! Imitable is the word for him. Where are we going to get another one?
His vibrations will live on.

Meeting Erika and Seeing The Fall C. 1986 (Excerpt of Near Do Well)

I am inspired. I meet Erika over at she and Rod’s apartment in Arctic, and I immediately start some kind of wholly loopy argument with her about the invalidity of The Cure being a worthy band to devote to. Erika for her part is far too easy to rile up about her beloved Robert Smith.
Erika is tall, slender, elegant, has a terrific relaxed, mellifluous, voice that crackles with excitement occasionally and rises dramatically in pitch when it does. She has soft round cheeks, big wide-set golden eyes, and exceedingly delicate features. Some beauties don’t seem possible. I have to keep looking at her to see if what I’m seeing is real. She talks with her elegant hands making graceful gestures that reveal, to my mind, a sophistication. I cannot take my eyes off her, and when her eyes are on mine I feel a little extra heat.
The Cure have always just seemed kind of boyish in comparison to the level of Mark E. Smith’s wry, observational, literate, ranting. What I call his old-man delivery. A Mancunian accent peppered with his speech habit of adding an “uh” to the end of each phrase, “Underground medicine-uh, underground medicine-uh”. His poetry is loaded with references to Greek gods, the occult, modern and old Brit culture, and what turns out to be a powerful love of English football. Mark E. Smith maintains himself as a blue-collar workman. He was a longshoreman before The Fall, an everyman poet. I find this distinction important. I respect the working-man artist.
“But The Cure aren’t about anything, the lyrics are a kind of universal pop song, with the exception, maybe, of ‘Killing An Arab’, everything else is aimed at the pop charts. You can’t be arguing that that “Love Cats” thing is anything but chart trash . . . ” I’ve got her at the mere mention of this one. A pain seems to have forced a convulsion starting in her impossibly slender lower spine.
“Ooh, you skipped a lot of good stuff in your rush there, . . .” she waves a slender hand, her voice cracking a pitch higher.
I smile. Here we go, it’s Robert Smith vs. Mark E. Smith. It was almost obvious for Morrissey to create a band called The Smiths, now wasn’t it?
“Well give me a song by The Fall that rivals ‘Killing An Arab’ then,” she says, holding her chin up from her comfortable arm-chair.
I don’t have a response really. The closest gun-toting song by MES isn’t about a Camus novel, it’s basically a sort of news item he may or may not have invented about—well, some idiot who shot his wife. Smith mentions novels, musicians and writers from time to time, such as Wilson’s Ritual In the Dark, which I haven’t read. While it’s perfectly ridiculous to argue taste, to attempt to justify these favorite things being better than other people’s favorite things, I still devote myself to it. I can’t help it and I am still not-so-secretly sure that I’ve got the right to do such, that I’m justified imagining my things better than the things of others, because, well, I imagine I devote more, care more, am moved more, am more introspective than the average Joe. But I also maintain the argument because if I don’t it might cause her to stop paying attention to me.
I’m sitting on the floor, feeling like we’re a bunch of very cool folks of intellectual depth, listening to records and talking about the various qualities of our favorite artists. What could be better?
In a nutshell I’m fond of The Fall’s uncompromising garage-rock style, they took punk rock, which took earlier garage rock to another level of angst, and created a new music. Next to The Fall so much else seems overproduced and unrealistic, full of back-up singers, overdubs and other studio tricks.
“In my opinion all you boys into The Fall are confused. I don’t think you can understand what he’s talking about. He’s writing about experiences you guys aren’t having—living in Manchester, or whatever,” she’s got me on this.
This is, in fact, a problem with MES’s lyrics, much of his work is definitely setting oriented, about northern English experiences, that I’ve not and cannot have. But I don’t care. I enjoy his weirdness, his surrealism, his lack of interest in pop song lyrics, his stories about J. Temperance. It’s a delivery, and an art, why must it be easy to understand? He’s a punk rock Thomas Pynchon. There are no love songs, no spelling songs, nothing done just to be pretty, nothing done just for appeal.
Rod runs back and forth switching albums, “You guys like Fear?”
“They’re OK,” Moshe says lackadaisically, exhibiting excellent detachment cool.
Rod only lets “The Mouth Don’t Stop” play—not a song you typically want to play for the ladies—and then switches to The Dickies.
Vinny is fondling Rod’s records, he’s got some nice ones, some oddball stuff too, an original 3D cover of Their Satanic Majesties Request (the one where you can search out the faces of John, Paul, George and Ringo in the artwork (though I fail to find one of them!)), and some fascinating French stuff I never heard of, Les Rita Mitsouko and Jean Michel Jarre. Also Rod isn’t afraid of blank-jacketed bootlegs of things. He’s got bunches of PiL and Joy Division live shows that sound as though they were recorded from outside the venue with the microphone possibly inside someone’s shoe. The bootleg records are in plastic bags, have hand-written numbers on them in ball-point. Vinny wants to hear them all, even the really bad ones. Vinny’s a classic Ian Curtis obsessive.
Ty leans against the wall, smiling. I suspect he and Vinny have already smoked a bowl before we picked them up.
I reach for, and pull out a Crass album with a photo of a sex doll in black in white on it, and Rod is on me fast.
“Have you heard that? You need to hear that.”
Crass had formed early in the punk stream and disbanded by the time I heard the first Crass song.
Everything is in our hands all at once. Dates on these records seem all to be simultaneous to us, our access to them is limited by our funds and the crap record outlets at the mall, or the lousy Strawberries (though I got all the Buzzcocks albums from their cut-out bin!). It’s a while before anyone gives us a good place outside of Boston to buy our music.
Rod has more than we’ve seen available. It happens that Rod has been around a bit, he went to NYC with his previous band, spent a bunch of time trying to rekindle the origin of the punk scene with a bunch of potheads called Buddha’s Palm, apparently after a kung-fu movie killing blow.
“Oh Rod,” Erika scrunches up her pretty nose.
“Erika’s not a fan,” he smiles at me, he-he-hes out the side of his mouth as he slips the Crass disk out, and before long has what I quickly learn is Eve Libertine snidely ranting about falling about in a pair of red high-heels, being a vulnerable slave of fashion, or something. I find it sexy, somehow appealing—but I know I’m probably not supposed to. The vocal is in that very declaratory-accusational style, the urgency of a newly quit smoker telling you about your smoking dilemma. She’s doing her best to impress me with how wrong I am, what a bad man I am. Fine lady, whatever you say.
I’m sitting close to Erika’s tiny, stocking-clad feet, very bony little things, cables and wires. I noticed her tiny Peter Pan boots by the door when I came in. She’s the only lady in the room with the five of us music obsessed boneheads. I want her vulnerable in a pair of red high-heels.
I wonder how I can continue to keep her interest, no sense in delivering endless Robert Smith put downs. Truth is I like The Cure, especially the moody Pornography with the creative drum patterns, but also pop songs like “Plastic Passion” are addictive fun. There are few song-smiths as clever as Robert Smith.
Rod is switching it up again. he wants to compare something, note the depth of drum tone on Live at the Witch Trials. This makes me grin, it’s a Fall album. Erika’s mouth is twisted to the side with a sweet amusement, she’s playing with me. I bump the foot nearest me with my hand and she play-acts kicking me with a smile.
Cute!

Erika knows her way around Boston like a pro and promises to get us to the Spit to finally actually see The Fall touring their The Wonderful and Frightening World of the Fall album. She orders me to take up both lanes as she hasn’t decided which exit to take yet, the boys in the back of the van are discussing the various merits of jello-wrestling with Muriel Hemingway. I’m feeling so adult, responsible for blocking the road at Erika’s command.
The Fall take the stage while we try to pick lint off our black-lit trench coats. The opening phrases of “Lay of the Land” drone over the crowd. The band with Brixie, such a cute monkey-girl, chanting “lay, lay, lay”, I hear Smith but don’t see him. He’s begun the jeremiad, “Armageddon, . . . this beautiful tree, . . . boo hoo, . . . give up livin’, . . . I’m who I . . . be given!!—” And then he stands up, ah, so he was laying down, there he is, nerdy, bony, after so many pictures, he’s so tiny. He’s wearing a pair of Guess jeans, and this I find almost too funny. A kind of weird-ass embrace of fashion strapped onto a man whose bony little behind will never embrace anything like a fashion beyond being a kind of poet and rock artist—Guess jeans! I get this joke! I have no idea if he intends it, but, of course, he can’t help this. I smile broadly, dumbly, he’s our sage, our guru.
The band kicks off the song in a simultaneous bluster of power and it is arguably one of their most arresting rockers. It has an almost Arabic-influenced swing to it. I feel more than hear the heavy bass driven riffs of Steve Hanley’s no-nonsense box patterns, driving the music. After Smith, Hanley is The Fall’s sound. I study Craig Scanlon’s lefty technique, and I cannot see how he can be playing guitar. His hands barely move, his rhythm hand without rhythm.
This is the first time I’m seeing my favorite band and my heart is pounding. Who are these people who have managed to inform me so? What are they really like? Would I be disappointed? Do I need to know? And then while I’m standing behind Erika she leans back into me, and I put my arms sort of around her, hold her shoulders, and she just kind of lets me. I am excited and a touch worried by this, but it seems entirely unremarkable to anyone else. The crowd hides us. I embrace her secretly.
All the way home we’re obsessing about the show, every nuance, did you see this, did you see that, that was the coolest thing, Brixie stepping back with the megaphone, MES using his pocket cassette recorder intermittently with his live vocals. . . . Rod is excited about Karl Burns’ powerful drumming style, he is certain it’s his style too, just like he plays.
By the way, we have a band too. We struggle with our own version of cellar rock in my parent’s basement. But ours is a band with issues, we struggle over originals. We’re all writers, all artists, all Fall lovers, and we’re all ridiculously critical of everything. We agree on almost nothing, argue incessantly and disturb one another’s wa.

Near Do Well : prologue


Chapter 1
PROLOGUE

“The first god had in his garden, from the back, looked like a household pet, but when it whirled round, was revealed to be a 3-legged black grey hog!” Mark E. Smith “Garden”

Confucius once said that listening stops with the ear and the mind stops with recognition. And I think this is absolutely correct.
Most people don’t listen to music. I’m talking about really listening, not just singing along or tapping a foot in time to some moronic stadium anthem. I mean something about deep perception, a sort of state of enhanced-consciousness, taking in the tones and styles of the instruments and musicians and their creative processes. I’m talking about listening to the specifics of the poetry, reaching a kind of self-transcendence that lets you go entirely inside the collective bits that comprise that wavy signal, that sinusoidal form that a stereo nearly magically picks up through a needle and pushes out to the paper cones. Most people have never bothered to look at it, study it, or wonder about it.
I suppose most just take it for granted, the way we accept our collective obsession with blue jeans or cheeseburgers. Music just is. But it’s madness (like Killing Joke stomps out) that it actually works. Madness that the differences between horns and strings and percussion are nuances that can be identified.
You might say, so what? You might say, people have more important things to do, more important things to think about.
But I doubt it.
Let’s just get this out of the way up front: Top five albums by The Fall in descending order of greatness:
Slates, Etc.
Dragnet
Live At the Witch Trials
The Hex Enduction Hour
The Wonderful and Frightening World of . . .

When the boss comes back, roaring up in his newly traded-in for Dodge pick-up, he’s soused of course, and we’re busy. I’m cleaning out a sod aerator, tapping a flat-headed screwdriver into each of the sharp steel plug pullers to knock out the packed-in dirt. The boss saunters over to the mechanic’s bench behind me and belches gently. He pulls out his pistol—a little .25 caliber auto thing he likes to carry around in his pocket—and unloads it into the stained wood top of the mechanic’s work-bench while laughing in a wheezy smoker’s cough, his legs splayed to steady himself. The mechanic’s busy up front with a landscaper, so there’s no one to appreciate the bullets drilling into the dirty hardwood of the workbench but me. Tack! Tack! Tack-Tack-Tack! By shop standards, this isn’t much noise but it is rather unsettling just the same. He looks over at me through his boozy grin and I nod at him with a half smile. I add it to a mental list of the earned privileges of the working man. Something to look forward to perhaps.
The boss had been gone all day at his girly show hang-out, one of those masturbation facilities that has girls shake their stuff while men drink and make ridiculous remarks to them, sometimes even over breakfast with the “Legs and Eggs” show.
“Goddamned Monigs,” the boss laughs, poised for my response.
“What’s a Monig?”
“It’s a Narragansett Indian, only they’re more nigger than Indian! Ha ha ha!”
“Ah, I see.” That’s about the speed of it after lunch. At least it wasn’t another “That’s what she said!” joke. Often enough used when there wasn’t a hint of it being properly humorous. Man, traffic was awful this morning. That’s what she said!
This morning, idling behind his paper, under his Jerry Lee Lewis pompadour, streaked with silver, he’d held forth about his solution to the Irish problem, which was, inexplicably, to give Ireland to Scotland.
“Har har har, that’ll teach ’em.”
“What makes you think Scotland wants ’em?” I shrug, not being entirely facile on the topic, but also finding his idea entirely nonsensical. Of course, later on I find out that he’s got some kind of remote ancestry in Scotland.
I’m stuck in the back room with him, washing rental dishes in a small industrial washer that produces a lot of heat and steam. The dishes stink, rammed into green, wire racks, greasy with food residue. But he’s already on to his next topic, knowing I’m a music fan he’s dropped the paper and points out a story about 2 Live Crew. “You know about these pieces of shit?”
“Not my thing,” I say quickly looking at the paper and then away. Though I can’t deny the purest desire to indulge in fantasy about those ladies’ beautiful asses on the cover of that record, the cover image published in a tiny black and white photo in the paper, as if to suggest we should be offended by their bathing suit clad gorgeousness, the smallest one, her hair flying in the beach breeze catches my eye. As Nasty As They Wanna Be . . . as if to suggest that they’re kind of trying. Of course, the ladies face away from the camera, which, you know, objectifies them, and we’re supposed to . . .
“Niggers. These are niggers pure and simple, I’m not saying there aren’t white niggers, there are,” he peeks over his glasses rims at me, making sure I’m paying attention to his high dudgeon, “trust me, but these fuckers are niggers,” his finger thumps in a kind of time with his offensive rant.
He, of course, is much more offensive, as far as I can tell, than anything 2 Live Crew produced. “Me So Horny” is just trashy musical porn from all I can gather. The hooker, the Vietnamese one, ripped off from the Kubrick film Full Metal Jacket saying “me so horny” over and over. I’m not sure I understand the boss’s outrage beyond the fact that they are bold black men making money with porn-influenced rap. There is a stack of trashy and somewhat gooey porn right behind the boss that’s been salvaged out of the dumpster behind the adult bookshop stationed right next door, no less, by his chain-smoking son Kyle. Porn salvaged from a dumpster. So I’m kind of phlegmatic about it. It’s a meaningless outrage, like so much of the boss’s grandstanding. That’s what she said!
But then, I’m also instantly reminded of my own paternal grandad, a typical card-playing, beer-quaffing good-fellow of Providence, spent most of his life at the Narragansett brewery, saying to me one fine afternoon on the parent’s porch, “Take that Bill Cosby, now he’s a nigger, but he’s done well for hisself”. Grandpa’s lesson, was apparently, that in our land of plenty even a man as handicapped with darker skin color as Bill Cosby has opportunity. So what was my excuse?
“These pieces-of-shit should just be lined up and shot!” the boss blusters. This is his favorite solution, and it’s only a matter of time before he finds it the way a ball-bearing rolling the steep sides of a bowl eventually settles in the bottom—he’s attracted to it. This is his gun-toting tough-guy version of “Amen”. Everything he disagrees with or feels offended by should have a bullet put between its collective eyes, and he relishes the opportunity to ejaculate this hot little sermon. You can almost see him fantasizing it behind his steel rims.
“Why? They’re just havin’ fun, you don’t have ta listen to it,” ill-advised, never give the boss a chance to wage his lazy-ass, table-side war against you. You’re handy after all. He doesn’t even have to get up to get himself sufficiently riled. “Plus, they’re making butt-loads of money off it, even banned, maybe because it was banned . . .”
The finger returns to stabbing out his points, “Let me tell you something, you didn’t grow up with these people! You grew up in a kind of Disneyland compared to what I went through. These people are worthless shits, they’ve never accomplished anything, no nigger ever discovered electricity, or invented the lightbulb—these bastids should be shot!” A bit of spittle on his lips, his eyes gleaming over his rims.
I probably could have mouthed this last bit along with him. I even sometimes start repeating it in my own macho-bullshit way, “Shoot the bastids!”, about the Quayle in the Bush, especially. I nod solemnly, he signs my check after all, Richard Morrill.
Boss Morrill often demands you behave the way he imagines he would in your position. Which is most often ludicrously. He loves to cajole you into turning against the red light, or pressure you to take the illegal left across the oncoming lane to pick up the Route 95 on-ramp. When you’re on the phone with people, he’s in your other ear telling you what to say to them, and it’s not friendly, even if you could effectively listen to him lecture you aggressively in one ear and a customer complaining in the other.
“You tell that spic es-oh-bee that we’re gonna call the police and you’ll see how fast they suddenly recall who Ramone is, ees not hee-er, bullshit!” he’s glaring at you, you’ve become the object of his rage.
He wants you to wrap some tape around the chewed up cord on the trap snake and send it back out for rental. People are forever cutting the ground posts off the electrical plugs, because the old houses don’t have ground outlets. We are supposed to put new plugs on them, mention to the customer that we can give them an adapter. But he has you send it out on the next rental anyway.
He laughs about you paying the three dollar disposal charge the garages put on your bill to throw away your old tires, but his old tires are stacked up in the back of the rental facility. He’s getting a pretty good collection of them back there. Better there at least then on the sides of the road where they usually end up dumped by those folks who refuse to be “suckers”.
We’re always counting the numbers of pressure washer spray tips. I have dreams about these tips. They are always getting lost (the quick-disconnect collars don’t always snap right back into locking place, customers pull the trigger and 4000psi of water shoots the tip off the end of the wand—gone!), customers argue they didn’t have all five when they left the shop. Too often, we don’t have all of them, and we send out the units with three or four nozzle tips (someone is supposed to record this on the contract). The boss flips his lid every time they come back with less than five tips. You’d think this would be an easy thing to keep track of, but for some reason, pressure washer spray tips are a never depleting source of the boss’s rage. He both doesn’t care on the front end of the rental, and cares too much about four or five dollar parts on the return.
Then, when he finally cajoles you into behaving the way he demands, becoming the same kind of irresponsible jackass he is, he then presumes you’re the same kind of irresponsible jackass he is!
“I know what you’re thinking, kid.”
But he’s terribly off the mark. I am never thinking the nasty sociopath crap he’s thinking. His thoughts are abysmal. But it isn’t hard to mimic it and I soon learn how to appear as one of the crew, “Monigs! Ha ha ha!”

The main trick to being a really tough-guy, is to affect being unmoved by anything, vileness never surprises, no beauty awes. The idea is to desensitize yourself so much that you kind of shrug off just about everything as exactly what you anticipated. Tough-guys anticipate everything. It’s basically a back-of-the-school-bus skill honed by the kids practicing one-upmanship, starting each rejoinder with the words “That’s nuthin’!” The murder of Kitty Genovese on the streets of New York City, occurring while citizens refused to assist her, pulled their curtains, horribly ignored her pleas, should elicit no more than a shrug and perhaps, “What did she expect?” from the tough guy. Perhaps a few remarks like, “You don’t walk around like that, New Yawk City? Alone? C’mon! A pretty girl—what was she thinking about?”
We have our own pretty Warwick girl, Michelle St. Pierre, recently strangled to death, or bludgeoned, perhaps both, left in an industrial park not far away from this humid, smelly, dish-washing steam bath. I feel like I knew her, but then I get them confused. Those newspaper reproductions of their graduation photos make them all look like a girl you knew from high school—the fluffy hair and the faraway dreamy gaze. The tough-guy attitude on these things is that they brought it on themselves. That St. Pierre girl was not behaving properly. Friends warned her to stay away from the jackasses she was hanging out with, plus cocaine probably.
After reading Das Boot and finally seeing the movie on a double VHS, for a while everything I thought about related to it: the almost childlike pleasure of the hunt, the gruesome futility of warfare, the terror of horrible death those young men endured in that goddamned bubble of air under the sea—of course, not too far under the sea, because the u-boat had limited depth capacity, safely only at a maximum depth of around 160 meters, that really surprised me. Old submarines were not really much in the way of sub marine.
“Tell me, why should I care about a German u-boat?” Boss Morrill turned on me one morning as I was telling him about the movie, which I thought did the book serious justice, “those fucking Nazis killed millions of people, and you’re telling me I’m supposed to care about a handful of them on their goddamned submarine?”
To be honest, I hadn’t thought of it as a story about Nazis just as a story of young soldiers who were expected to sacrifice all for their nation. But I just smiled. My interest was getting at the core of humanity. I’d allowed myself to be moved by it and that was, of course, irrefutably gay. Empathy was something no tough-guy expressed.
“Let me tell you something, my uncles fought those sonsofbitches . . . the problem with you people is that you have no memory—you’re there cheering for the enemy, trying to convince the world that it was just some kind of point-of-view, . . .” he lumbers on, filling the air with his diatribe, hating the film sight-unseen, ready to burn books he’s never read. Perhaps it’s my fault though, I did a poor job explaining it to him. I didn’t anticipate his reaction, somehow, again.
I’m continually writing my mental notes, my stories, my novels for no one, . . . no one wants this stuff, no one asks for it, but, it all goes in my notebook anyway. . . .
To be a proper tough-guy you have to find other people’s misfortune funny. Not just their poverty, or their house fires, but also their diseases are hilarious, because, obviously, sensibly—let’s be reasonable here—you’d never let anything like that happen to yourself. You have a plan, a mission, God on your side, a stack of porn you pulled out of a dumpster. . . .
The tough-guy is just like the old joke about the new army recruit who, when the sergeant says “Two out of every three of you are not coming back from this mission.”, looks at the guy on the right, looks at the guy on the left and thinks, “Ah, those poor bastards.” That’s one of my favorite jokes, seems to wrap up the condition nicely. That seems to me to actually be what gets us through our lives from day to day.
I yank the dishwasher open, pull the steaming hot dishes out of the racks and re-stack them in their green wire holders. Stack them where they can cool and dry on the wooden shelving. I’m sweating terribly. The boss won’t move. As he reads he’s shaking his head slowly in that way that seems to impart he’s imagining how deranged the world “out there” is. I remember reading someplace that the Rolling Stones got arrested for pissing on a wall in the mid-sixties maybe. They were considered very nearly something like a public enemy. Nixon even had it in for John Lennon, saw him as a serious enemy of the country. Some people saw a kind of decline of civilization based around kids with guitars.
Boss Morrill’s eyeglasses are perched about halfway down his nose. He juts his chin out and back choosing when to use them, or not, kind of like the way an old world chameleon might gauge its distance to a cricket. He is always pissed off. It’s basically his hobby. What he’s doing right now is looking for more things to fuel his rage pastime, more junk from the ProJo.
The wine glasses I can leave right in their wire racks and put the entire arrangement into the washer as is. Glasses and wire rack washed in one cycle. A blast of semi-rank steam billows out of the machine each time I open it, adding to the overall state of humidity in this slippery back room, beginning to need a hatch opened, air exchanged, a re-breather pack worn.
I’ve learned to cultivate my hate. I justify it daily. I work myself into that rage frenzy, foaming-at-the-mouth about some outrage or other. For example, a customer who comes into the shop regularly is a small elderly Hungarian Jewish fellow named Imre. Imre drives Kurt—the mechanic—crazy with his specific demands, at least once about how he wants his lawnmower blade sharpened. He only wants Kurt to do it. Imre is convinced the rest of us aren’t doing it properly, aren’t putting the proper amount of care into applying just the right shining razor’s edge on this thing he’s going to roll through his lawn and dirt. When he’s talking to Kurt about this, Kurt is at first polite, but soon he realizes his time is being wasted. Imre plans to spend the day haranguing Kurt about the sharpness of his lawnmower blade. A blade I actually sharpened.
“Kooert, Kooert!” Imre moans, and waddles over to Kurt’s bench looking like Humpty-Dumpty.
I am amazed by the fact he’s actually got a number stamped on his forearm, a relic of the fucking Holocaust.
“Da boyz, dey don’t take da time, Kooert.” It’s fine, Kurt explains to him, it’s just a lawnmower blade. That pretty razor’s edge will be gone as soon as you start cutting with it.
“No Kooert,” and here Imre does something very odd, he hooks the index finger of his pudgy right hand into the top of Kurt’s pants, right behind the belt buckle, and begins tugging, like a child pulling at his mother’s skirt. Kurt disentangles himself from the strange little man who stares through huge bottle-bottom glasses. At this point Imre has not only upset Kurt, but he’s also managed to cut himself on the lawnmower blade. “You see how sharp it is!” Kurt points out to him. Imre is unmoved, “No Kooert, iz not sharp!”
And now, of course, I’m angry at the fussy bastard. When I think about Imre I can conjure up that desire to punish the public. Imre is a Holocaust survivor, and I can’t stand him.
After an hour or so, the boss has switched to flipping through a gun magazine, settling on an article about the relative merits of 0.223 caliber as opposed to 7.65 millimeter ammunition. I prefer this quietude to when he’s reading those goofball home-invasion fantasies that always seem to be packed into these rags the way Playboy has a dubious sex forum, clearly a form of porn. They are always written in a self-congratulatory style, and Boss Morrill takes them at face value. Old folks’ homes are invaded. Patriotic, former veteran, elderly homeowners, pull out their Peacekeepers and rid the world of thugs. I can picture Rooster Cogburn in every such story. But the stories don’t end there. In another popular tale someone has stolen a JATO and attached it to his car. I didn’t know what that meant, so Boss Morrill explained that it’s a rocket attached to overloaded aircraft to help them get into the air. The story continued by describing how this fellow somehow stole one, somehow attached it to his car, and somehow fired it up. The rest of the story was a humorous description of the tires burning off the car and the car being slammed into the side of a mountain. It sounded pretty suspect, especially as the narration was having so much comic fun with it, calling the foolhardy adventurer “Swifty” and discussing how his last moments must have been spent trying to reverse the course of actions that were rapidly to end his life. I wondered aloud if it were possible. Boss Morrill just glared at me over his glasses his good humor now interrupted.
The guys also love the rage they feel when they recount this other story, too many times. You might hear this thing every day for a month. It’s about the Hispanic man who rents a lawnmower and decides to trim his hedges with it. “He sticks his goddamned finguhs unduh the thing and picks it up and trims ‘is fuckin’ hedges!” Kyle is impersonating the action, squatting down, pretending to lift a mower, mimes using it as a hedge trimmer (an awkward idea at best) “It even works for a while, but then, brrrrrzt! He loses his finguhs!” The punchline is he sued the rental company for not having a warning label in Spanish, telling him not to cut his hedges with it, and the kicker, of course, is he won! The guys stare at their audience wide-eyed, waiting for the outrage. “Crazy fucking world!” They tell this story, this obvious urban legend, which contains so many tough-guy axes to grind, as a kind of warning, not just about the untrustworthiness of foreigners, but of the unknowable legal miasma that is, more likely than not, to screw the good hard-working American. And lastly because our liberal society does not require English to be a requirement, and on and on.
Then the guilt sets in, guilt I can’t do anything about. Problems I can’t fix, people in the world, I know, who would kill to just have the water I get to drink every day. So, how dare I complain. I have a job, I have an income! There are seriously poor people in the world. I feel sorry that I, through some cryptic process of random, Brownian-like motion, ended up over here and they over there. I have a rattle-trap of a vehicle, a 1976 Chevy sport van, red, flipped once. I have a second story apartment I share in West Warwick with two mates. My own bedroom is tiny but nice enough, a twin futon, a book pile, a boombox and a turntable, a Sansui—I was talked into buying even though it’s a weird linear-tracking turntable and often has difficulties playing albums that have sides longer than the usual eighteen minutes or so. Maybe I should stop complaining so much, I’m lucky. Though I did get that stinking speeding ticket on the connector to Apponaug, cop was rude too, assuming me a thug. I’m just trying to get by, just trying to get to class. Another fantasy, trying to climb the ladder through the education system.
I load another set of dishes in the steam and greasy chemical stench of the washer. I wish the boss would get the fuck out so I can put the radio on. So I can relax a bit. So I can maybe look over the paper. Monday morning dish-washing is a chore, but I don’t mind it if I’m left alone. There’s not a lot of pressure about keeping busy as long as the dishes are getting done. Kyle and Kurt hate doing the dishes and will stay away from the back room as long as I’m taking care of it.
So keep the mouth shut and do the dishes, don’t argue with the boss. Don’t encourage his hanging around. It is the best job I’ve had so far, hell, I can sleep at night, . . . there are even some benefits. And considering what it costs to pay rent and feed the gas tank, back and forth to the university, (I put courses on credit cards!). . .
I return to my mental notes, these ideas and feelings I scribble in notebooks. These become ranting letters to friends, or superbly self-indulgent poetry and ludicrous missives to girls I really like, who, I no doubt, bewilder. . . .
Frankly, the fast food starts to lose its flavor, and the “freedom” we’re all supposed to be so grandly infused with, so we don’t forget how special it is, like soft-serve dropped straight from heaven into our wide-open, fat mouths, well, it doesn’t seem like much in the way of a life. But, we do get compensated for it. That’s why they call it work, right? And, we kind of allow this, right? We kind of agree to be working our way toward a middle-class. Not just being slaves, but living lives worth living, or at least, maybe looking forward to that down the road. Living lives with value, if we just put the hours in. . . .
Frequently, the fellows compare their shop to another hilariously inept, family-owned, rental business in West Warwick called E-Z Rentals. We love to send folks to them as an alternative to us, as usually those customers come running back. E-Z Rentals is a third world risk compared to us, a box of broken crackers.
Red-bearded Randy “Hutch” Hutchins and his doughty sister Anne run the shop, which is a shambles located behind the long defunct West Warwick rollerskating rink. Sometimes Randy calls us and he always says “This is Randy from Eezee Rental”, in a voice that sounds as though his tongue were too big for his mouth, too heavy to lift, it is always obviously him, as soon as he utters his first syllable we always join him chorusing his “. . . is Randy from Ee Zee rental”. He never responds to this with amusement, he just says “Yeah.”
A customer told us Randy rented him a 100 CFM compressor that had no battery. Randy pulled the battery out of his Pontiac and put it into the compressor so that the compressor could be started and sent out on the job. Randy left the hood of his car open until the compressor returned. We guffaw about that one.
Randy often wants to go in on table or chair rentals with us, borrowing from us and splitting the profit. Randy’ll show up with a fourteen-foot U-Haul truck he rents to himself, writes up a contract for it and everything. We chuckle about this as we use the U-Haul trucks indiscriminately, but we don’t bother paying for them. Stupid Randy. Perhaps though, this kind of comparison shouldn’t really be the most gratifying. Just because we clear a higher hurdle than E-Z does doesn’t necessarily mean we’re especially praiseworthy. Worse, we don’t respect them at all, so what sort of comparison does it make?
My notebooks are full of mulled over disappointment, how could you not be disappointed? . . .
Maybe I’m not appreciative enough—another aspect of the built-in guilt mechanism. Maybe when I look out the window of our apartment over the rolling mill-town landscape I should see advantage, or I should see opportunity, but what I see is gray. Ranks of ramshackle houses, looking for all the world like any clapboard, slapped-together, third-world town anywhere just waiting for an earthquake and tsunami or a good fire. I see the neighbor’s little, white epileptic dog twitching in the yard, on its side, trying hard to work its feet, oblivious,. . . then, there’s the steeple of a church, and then there’s a steeple of the old mill a powerful granite tower, looking something like a castle, its riverside stone body green with algae. The tower in its day would have housed the bell to wake the workers, measuring their days, competing with their religious devotion to the church bells. Work and God, the ancient dual devotions.
The little dog, over its pathetic seizure, snuffling around in the grass again, some kind of lesson there, making the best of it, or something. . . .
I have this sense of desperately desiring to be part of some kind of serious wisdom, some kind of contribution to something meaningful, I want to be able to be proud of something. . . .
Looking back at what I did to get where I am, would I do it again? If the last ten years had been revealed to me, right down to every last shit and tooth-brushing right at the start, would I bother to do it? Seriously, unless you’re a princess someplace—what are you looking forward to? Isn’t most of our time spent hoping something good is going to happen? And if we could clearly see that nothing good was really going to happen, would we bother to endure it? So then why endure it the first time, that’s the question that really scrapes at me (this term “scrapes”, incidentally, we adopt in place of “sucks”. Sucking is a pleasure, soft, arousing. If something is terrible it doesn’t suck, it scrapes—yes, down there!). So maybe none of us look very carefully, we believe in a kind of lottery even if we don’t play the real thing, keep hoping that the prayers are gonna work, that we’re deserving, that someone loves us and that good shit will come. We believe that hard work will be rewarded, and this is clearly untrue. I’m not even sure I’m convinced that it’s a harmless untruth. But if we don’t believe it, how could we keep getting up in the morning? How could we keep even a modicum of motivation? . . .

Boss Morrill suddenly stands up from the table, “Try not to break any more dishes, Flower.” Flower because I generally use some cologne. He calls it an Italian shower.
“I’ll try.”
What I try is not showing too much exuberance about his exit.
The recipients of my writing efforts, the poor bewildered young women, are always polite, but they never respond to me. . . .
Who the fuck am I, anyway? How did I end up here? I’m someone who took on a bunch of debt, could be five grand, could be ten. The terrible thing is there’s really nothing to show for it. I wasted that money, blew it on stuff: repairs on old heaps, tires that long ago wore out to pass inspections, clothing I’d need for interviews for jobs I didn’t get, haircuts, gas to get to the classes, the courses themselves, food, books, and treats.
It’s all one big crap shoot. We all just bump around til we get lucky, and then we pretend that was the plan all along. I learned that from The Great Rock and Roll Swindle, and from watching pro-wrestling. Always lay out the history of your success like it was a grand plan. No one is much interested in the endless failing attempts, they just wanna hear about your genius and celebrate their chances at opportunity.
This word “chance” we don’t think about enough, it’s loaded with subtle and dense import. It means I’m a goddamned gambler, throwing my lot in with the rest of the dumb-ass gamblers, hoping for a payout from a game entirely rigged. Of course, I hate gambling, gamblers are marks, they’re dupes, they keep the casinos rich. The keep the rich richer. But even to live we’re playing some kind of gamble.
I evade these concerns by putting off something I call “real life” for later. This isn’t my real life, not yet. These are the good enough years. This is good enough for now. . . .

But then I’m out of a job. The rental/repair shop goes under. There’s a banking crisis, and an outrageous forty five credit unions closed indefinitely, the money unavailable, people’s lives ruined—ten percent payouts. The Morrills keep the business going but do so on much reduced pay, and I’m only going to be getting hours when I’m needed. It’s hard to understand this banking crisis. I’ve never had investment money. I only use banks when I cash my measly checks, or stick some money in to support a check. And there are some odd stories of people vanishing, or jumping off bridges.
So maybe now we will see our protagonist suddenly wake up as a cockroach? . . . Instead, I roll up and down Post Road, and Bald Hill Road, and Warwick Shore, wondering where to go next, JiffyLube, Golden Lantern, Bess Eaton Donuts, but the Barnes and Noble stands out in my mind. I love books, I could live with books, sell books, no shame in that. How bad could that be? Plus, there are girls there, in dresses, in cute shoes, working the registers. Maybe I can help them find books, shelve books. Look at it as an opportunity, says the inner voice in my head.
But before all this . . .

Arguments V: Authoritarianism, Nature’s Trick, and What Makes Life Worth Living

The authoritarians would be pissed. They’re always pissed, but they’d be even more pissed to find out we found a new way to have fun. They hate it when we’re having fun because they don’t get to have much fun anymore. They followed rules we aren’t following and now they’re pissed because we think they were silly. So they banned pot and tried hard for centuries to ban sex, they failed there because no one can stop sex. But they still tried, and they still want to punish you for it. They really can’t intercede much, but they can try to make you have that baby that may or may not be the result. They pretend it’s about life, about respecting living things, but then they don’t really give two hoots about anyone’s quality of life. Poor people get stiffed and other unfortunate folks with disease or handicaps get very little. So really, the fact is authoritarians just hate your fun. They hate your ability to enjoy life. They can’t afford to have a cop follow you around day and night (as much as they’d like that), and Orwell’s Big Brother isn’t yet practical, and in our country the religious right are supposed to be separate from the state and so, . . . oh, wait Mr. Senator who voted against abortion rights, isn’t that a photo of an illicit bare bottom on your cell phone? Who is sending you their lovely bare bottom? Does your family know about her? How about that? And oh, no was your kid caught with a pound of marijuana crossing the Mexican boarder? Good thing you have connections.

What inspires this? What makes a Nixon? OR as they would have it in classic Star Trek, a “Herbert”. Their code for an authoritarian square. Someone who loves the rules, feels safest with the rules and regulations, and is terrified when others aren’t. You think cops, or Nixons, or the priest isn’t masturbating? They aren’t telling you. Then we find out that they were using the kids at their disposal. Of course they were, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because of biology. You see friends, Nixons, Herberts, and squares nature tricked us. We are not meant to live very long, not like tortoises or trees. Nature made us to be eminently replaceable. I know. It hurts. We are obsessed with our individuality but nature couldn’t care less. Our individualism dies quickly. We are like insects flitting at a floodlight. We think we’re so unique. But really we’re mostly just wired to replace ourselves. We are sexually primed as young teens, ready like bunnies to reproduce. Of course, we aren’t ready at all socially or culturally. What nature didn’t count on was us having these big brains that could actually account for ourselves. We’re supposed to have the brains of bunnies too, or at least monkeys. Nature never intended for us to build any of what we’ve built. Nature never anticipated our social inventions, never expected us to create so many rules. Nature didn’t anticipate self-awareness in general. It’s really incredible. Self-awareness after all is what allows us to create arts and history and learning. It’s what makes us collectors and curators and polluters. We are wired for social behavior there’s no doubt about that, we’re excellent at working together, even better than ants and bees really because they’re just clones, they don’t get to have individuality. But individuality, while it is great pleasure to fly our flags, also causes us so much grief. Individually we differentiate into creative and protective types. Lots of other types too. Some types do nothing but fear. Other types do nothing but complain. It’s better when individuals do things that are tangible. It’s healthier. Too many do nothing but consume and then become neurotic, their energies are untapped. If only they made music or wrote books but they don’t and their powers end up channeled into anxiety. Anxiety breeds more anxiety and soon they’re digging holes and collecting weapons. Now they are armed monkeys terrified of everything. Especially your lack of concern about the wild dangers they dream of. Nature didn’t know about this, didn’t expect us to poison rivers or fill the atmosphere with carbon. There aren’t any checks on our population save economic ones. We used to have the plague but our big brains conquered it. We used to have starvation, and that’ll be back soon, but right now, despite all our big brained warnings we keep growing our population.

We’re ready to have sex and reproduce early because, as I’ve just said, nature doesn’t expect us to live long. Most life is about replacement. It’s the species that matters, it’s the whole that nature intended to survive, not individuals. So we’ve been equipped with massive drive to reproduce. Perhaps there are drugs we could take that could ameliorate that. Instead we mostly have the opposite drugs. We are individuals. It’s a sort of beautiful thing that we can be individuals. It makes our big brained lives worthwhile. After all, many of us end up so frustrated and disappointed with life that we occasionally purposely end our lives. It’s not a difficult thing to understand, though it is very sad and so we pretend we can’t comprehend it. It must be a disease. We treat depression as a disease rather than treating our ability to adjust to horrible conditions as a disease. When the canary in the coal mine dies of the poisonous gasses (as they were once used as an early warning system of that mining hazard) do we think of it as a canary’s flaw?
And on it goes. We are sexy monkeys with too many anxieties. Some of these monkeys get pushy and decide that others need to be managed. And it’s as old as recorded history. The ancient Greeks were arguing about it (actually they already argued about everything we’re currently worried about—and it’s forgotten because we can’t be bothered to look at it). The question is what makes your life worth living? What makes your time well spent? What are you looking forward to? How do you spend your time? Is it pleasurable, whatever it is? Do you go to the beach? Do you send pictures of your bare bottom to a lucky recipient? Are you the lucky recipient of lovely bare bottom photos? Most of the time we probably only get photos of unwanted asses. Most of the time we’re only approached by the unwanted solicitation. It’s a pitfall of our easy lives. The authoritarian in us wants to make it all stop, but then, there are occasionally solicitations we want. Once at Provincetown in Cape Cod a man in a flamboyant wedding dress wolf-whistled at me. Later a woman asked me to assist her in getting an amorous fellow off her trail. I called him and told him his affection for her was misplaced and that she wasn’t interested in him. She spent an hour complaining about the poor guy who only had asked her if she wanted to go dancing, and since she lived next door he’d also offered her some home-cooked treats. Later in a kind of spell of introspection she said to me that she wondered how she would have felt if she’d actually found this fellow attractive–differently, very likely.

Nixon hated the Beatles. He considered John Lennon a true national menace. Along with the terror posed by Elvis swinging his hips in his effeminate manner (and it was seen as such at the time, despite the popularity of guys like Liberace!) it’s hard to not see all our objections in much the same light. Most of our fears are fashions just as harmlessly absurd as rampant tattooing or top hats. But our authoritarians will be concerned and will do their best to install the blandness of whatever era they feel most comfortable with.
Why do they want to do this? I’m convinced much of it, despite all our biology and all our epicurean sense, is about an endless desire to be children. I am convinced that authoritarians loved their position as children in their families, and miss those days of routine and irresponsibility. Someone else took care of everything, mother and father supplied the needs and they didn’t even know there were bills. Whatever household they were raised in is nostalgically perfect and righteous. As adults everything is a terror and the structure of childhood is irrelevant. there’s a kind of free-fall of free will! And this terrifies authoritarians. But for the rest of us this free-will is the thing we’ve been waiting for our whole lives! Our childhoods were holding patterns intended to shield us from the the difficulties of the real world, of course, but the real world is where all the fun is. After all, certain levels of risk is what it is we play with. Being an adult is when free-will can be realized. Of course there are various economic and responsibility limits to it, but it is still far better than the captivity of childhood—for most of us.

Personally, I’ll never sit and do a jigsaw puzzle. Nothing could be more utterly stifling. I will never sit and watch hours of ancient television shows because I grew up on them, few things could be more counteractive to my adulthood. It’s not a judgment it’s just nothing I want.

What makes life worth living? Experiences I’ve not had. And of course, repeating the most excellent adult experiences I’ve loved. Exploration is key and stimulates that most exciting of activities: learning. In short, being free from the restraints of authoritarianism is the reward of freeing ourselves from childhood. Plus, I still get a kick out of going to bed or not when I chose, and eating ice cream for dinner, and receiving an occasional photo of a beautiful behind.

The River, the Wind and Boredom

I don’t know what’s going on lately, said this ancient god. Possibly, I’ve lost my ability to dedicate to anything, you know, after so many eons . . . it’s hard to maintain the enthusiasm. How long’s it been?
A while, shrugs the Wind, looking askance at the River. But you always talk like this, for as long as I’ve known you, which, you know, has been a while—they both chuckle at this—but seriously, can’t you think of anything else to say?
I’m sorry, I’ve just been feeling a little put off lately, it’s hard to get excited.
You seemed OK that time the ladies went skinny-dipping.
I can barely taste any more. I can’t enjoy it anymore. My memory’s going, I’m telling you.
I envied you that.
The ladies?
Yeah.
But, goddamn you go everywhere! I’m stuck in this stinking direction, this embankment. It may as well be a cage, honestly. But you, look at you, you can go anywhere, top to bottom, any direction, all over.
Oh whatever. What do you want me to say, some kind of stupid lesson about life?
Neither god cares to speak for a while. Several thousand years pass before the conversation is again picked up. During that time many crude boats traveled the River, and many sweet damsels swam, and many fisherman cheered upon catching a magnificent fish. And the Wind uplifted astonishing numbers of birds, blew chills into the bones of many animals, and occasionally provided just the right delicious cooling breezes to the hot laboring faces of peasants.
Oh, I know what I was going to say, says the River.
Oh? I’m listening.
Well, when you’re not all wrapped up with the storms.
It’s my job.
I know, but still, you could be a little less accomodating.
The Wind sighs, something he does very well. What were you going to say?
Listen, I was thinking, I’m bored.
Only boring gods become bored.
I’ve heard that, but I can’t help it. I have to admit it. Boredom is inescapable. Can’t I complain to someone?
It sure does look that way.
I’m going to confront him, says the River.
I don’t recommend it, replies the Wind.
Why not?
He’s difficult. At least that’s what I’ve heard. He’s kind of a difficult customer. The Wind swished about and teased the trees.
The River quietly plied its course, while several complete lunar cycles passed.
I’m gonna call him, I can’t continue like this, said the River to the Wind finally exasperated.
Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Boredom! Ennui! Whatever you call yourself! I want to talk to you. The River shouted from bank to bank from the mountains of its youth to the aged ghastly specter at the Sea (who hadn’t spoken to him since he upset her back around when crustaceans separated from worms, neither could remember the offense any more, but it had been callous.)
What do you want? Said a very drab voice.
Is that you? I need to talk to you. I’m . . . going crazy with familiarity, with the sameness, the homogeneity, the lack of any excitement!
What about those ladies who skinny-dipped in you?
Yes yes, that was fun, but honestly, even that becomes tired after a while.
So? What would you have me do about it? Said the incredibly monotonic voice.
I need help, you have to tell me how I can escape you.
During the interceding pause an entire olive harvest and pressing into oils and storing in enormous clay jars took place.
I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do about it. I am part of the plan.
The plan? What are you talking about? The Wind jumped in, having been listening along as was his habit.
OK it’s not a plan, I was just making an excuse that I thought would satisfy the stupid River, I didn’t realize I was going to have to answer to you as well.
I’m not stupid.
He really isn’t stupid, the Wind objects.
Well let’s just say, he’s no Wind. Or even the Sea really.
Oh now, that’s just uncalled for, what’s she got that I haven’t?
The Sea? She’s very deep you know? Sensitive, and with unplumbed depths.
Of course, I knew you were going to say that. Are you . . . in love with her?
Love . . . can you imagine me in love? Look at my face?
The River gazes at the placid face of Boredom, the Wind too has a cool look.
So you see, it’s not a matter of love, it’s simply a matter of character.
Her depth.
Right, whereas, I mean, if you look at it, you’re . . . I mean, I don’t mean to insult, but, you’re not deep.
Nope, I’m shallow. The River said, precisely, with a certain immediate compunction.
No offense. Boredom’s voice was entirely passive, as if pointing out the sun was up.
Storms blew up, the clouds rolling into foreboding, dark, and enormous mushroom caps of pelting rains.
Oh damn it all, the River moped.
Now you’ll have some excitement, said Boredom.
No I won’t it’ll just be the same swelling and over-running the banks and sweeping away farm animals and babies. It’s always the same!
But it isn’t really the same, is it? Boredom carefully stated, not asked.
Of course it is! Look it’s happening now all these poor creatures I’m about to upset. The River began to swell and his surface started to impinge on his banks.
No, I mean it can’t really be the same, all the details will be utterly different. You can’t sweep the same pig away in the same manner two times. There are too many variables.
Seriously? I’m really supposed to find the difference in the pig a satisfying variation?
Why not? Boredom said as the rain pelted his broad and entirely forgettable face.
For fuck’s sake, that’s just exasperating. One pig’s the same as another, the damned things drown the same! Stop pretending I should be reveling in it.
You really are stubborn. Can’t you at least understand that you get to do something. You get to be something?
What do you mean, the River said just as a silly hog stumbled down the bank and into his currents and was swept away. Damn it all.
Well, imagine my role. I have no form, like Disease and Dream and Mirth, I just am. I never get to drown a pig, nor feel the lovely damsels swimming in my currents. Think of that, all I get to do is create the sense of endless hopeless uneventfulness.
That Mirth is a character, why not compare me to him?
There’s no comparison, Boredom said with a distant look.
So, you want to drown a hog?
His attention returned. I’m not, you know, in particular, saying that’s what I want.
Just then the powerful River began eroding some foundations and a few of the weaker structures that had been placed near the waters, were collapsed, baskets, and lumber, and straw, and piles of other flotsam along with a baby in a crib were washed rapidly downstream. The horrified mother, a pale and raven haired beauty, threw herself into the current to attempt to rescue the baby, but after a few flails she rapidly drowned.
Thrills. The River said desperately unhappy.
They always start out giving you distance, and then they get closer and closer, they forget easily the danger. Can you feel her?
You mean the dying and the dead? Of course, I feel them. I don’t know what they feel, but I feel them.
What does it feel like?
It itches.
Do the fish itch too? And the turtles, and the little things, the, what do you call them, shrimp and bugs?
No, I’m used to them. They’re like the birds in the Wind.
I feel the birds, the Wind piped up suddenly.
Fine, so tell me what the birds feel like. The River said growling with frustration.
Not right now, I’m kind of busy pushing this storm around. It’s a pretty good match, I’m getting kind of winded.
See? You should be more like the Wind, Boredom said with leveled honey-like consistency. I’d like to feel itchy.
It’s awful.
It’s hard for me to imagine any feeling being awful. What’s it feel like when you freeze in winter.
Honestly, I feel nothing in the winter. I’m asleep.
The rain increased and the River began to really make trouble even for the folks living at the higher edges of the flood zone. These were, as usual, the richer people who almost never had to worry about the seasonal flooding.
That’s really interesting, Boredom replied. Your life is fascinating.
You’re patronizing me, I’m not happy about this.
It isn’t my meaning, replied Boredom.
The rain and River were at peaks of incredible natural violence. Homes being swept away were smashing and drowning life already caught in the currents. The rain at this point was causing horrific mudslides. The people who managed to get to higher ground were finding that ground under their feet was being shockingly eroded. It was a real tragedy.
Isn’t there anything you can do about this tedium? The River moaned.
I’ll have to think about it, Boredom retreated.
Eventually, as time passed, not only did the River return to normal levels, and the rain subside but the summer was wonderful, and so were subsequent years. In fact the next several decades saw sunny and perfect seasons. Soon enough the people and animals returned and sure as the sun rose and set with Dawn’s rosy fingers, the houses crept closer, and the barns were built on the water’s edge. Beautiful damsels, more beautiful than any in history, plunged naked into his mild currents and bathed. The River sighed.
Wind?
Yes, said Wind.
Do you know if there will be any relief.
I don’t expect so.
Will Boredom return?
When he’s ready.
After a pause in which amazing technological advances allowed for beautiful metal suspension bridges and speed boats roaring up and down his length, dropping oil onto his surface, he moaned, Have you heard from the Sea?
Yeah.
Well?
She says you’re an asshole.

Arguments IV: Talking Shit, Superiority, Comedy, the Fish Bowl Life

Have I been talking shit? I told some stories about how a friend of mine exasperates me with some of his squarish and intensely insular behaviors. For example, this friend of mine—and I should emphasize I do love the guy—frequently tells the same anecdotes and jokes over and over. He can’t help it. Life triggers the same folders of responses for him and he’s not updated those folders in years. He also claims to love music, but not a bit of the music I’ve brought to him has had any impact on his collection he plays for us at classes over and over again as background music. One year I had all his students create him a collection of their favorite music so he could add things into his mix. Of course, he never did. His walls erected to impede influence are impenetrable. He has silly childlike eating habits (he avoids grapes because they resemble ticks!), and even more remarkably silly puns. I was trying one day to get him to listen to some Stewart Lee comedy, having just enjoyed Lee’s send-up of the conservative British immigration opponents (Yes be angry at these people who brought you a cuisine, and enriched your culture with their arts), at any rate within seconds he’s pummeled my messenger feed with piles of ancient clips of chronically parochial jokesters sounding like Hee-Haw had never left the air. OK I get it, we all have our tastes and there’s no accounting for it honestly, but I was hoping to have some impact on his homogeneity. It gets under my skin that he so effectively blocks any sort of introduction to anything new through a method of defensive barrage of his own favorites. Look, I’m not saying you don’t have things you love, all I’m trying to do is introduce you to something you may not have been familiar with before. The response should be “Oh great! I’ve never seen this guy, or heard this before! Thank you!” Instead, the response is more like, “Well here’s what I like.” I hate to sound vicious but, I didn’t ask, I assumed you had a collection of things you like (because I’ve heard it all over and over again over the years we’ve been working together).

All of a sudden a lady friend who works with us hollers at me, “I really try hard not to shit talk about people.” She gives me a stern censorious look, as if I’ve broken some social trust and should be ashamed of myself. At first I’m taken aback, of course, I feel some guilt and I want to apologize, but then I start to think about it.
What do people talk about after all? We talk about other people. We talk about sports figures and celebrities and our friends and relatives. We complain about their behaviors, and choices, especially when we’re married to them. Occasionally we brag about folks’ accomplishments or kindness, but mainly we are relating endless anecdotes about how funny, or silly, or wild people are. It’s how we learn about people. It’s how we relate experiences to one another. This idea of “shit talk” is entirely irrelevant. If my goal was only one of disrespecting someone because they are a bad person then the discussion is one of warning and necessary. If it is a story relating character or humor, it certainly isn’t abusive, or destructive. If I were telling a story about a friend who had an affair and I’d been asked not to discuss this, I’d understand the complaint. Don’t confide in someone who is likely to tell these stories.

My friend sometimes does his hilarious thing. He’ll start talking about a favorite food or place he’s been, and he’ll wind it all up with an incredibly dull reveal. For example, one day, during a discussion of favorite treats, he pipes up, “Oh you know what I like?” We look his direction implying the “What?”. “I love a really good, maybe a Haagen Dazs brand vanilla ice cream.” It takes this form. You have the wind up, you imagine he’s going to treat you to something you’ve not had before, something you’ll be excited to go try right after work, a whole new experience you’ve never heard of. But instead, he lets you down with the most obvious and possibly even weakest of choices to get excited about. He really is this funny with his boring-ass preferences. Vanilla! Who hasn’t had vanilla? It’s like going to the sushi restaurant and only ordering white rice, and then acting like, somehow, that plate of white steamed rice (about as special as those industrially produced soft white-bread dinner rolls at most restaurants) is the most satisfying thing available on the menu. He does these sorts of things all the time and they are hilarious. It becomes a kind of comedic performance that we often joke about. Going into an international cheese shop and walking out with the five pound block of yellow “American” cheese. These are childhood experiences that should be built on in adulthood, but instead have been preserved in his psyche, untouched from those years as the best! And hey, I’m not saying vanilla isn’t good! I’m just saying that no one needs it expressed at this point in our lives. We’ve all had vanilla.

Shit talk. I got into a discussion about music with someone online one day in a Captain Beefheart fan-group. I love Captain Beefheart but possibly not as much as some folks. One day I found myself faced with a fellow who wanted to argue that the Beatles were, once again, the best band ever. This is a tiresome argument at best and usually ends in a disappointment when I realize that this isn’t a quantifiable communication, it’s an outlook that has established itself and become unshakable. Of course the Beatles were terrific, but they by no means need to be flagged again and again by the stalwart supporters who imagine that we’ve somehow lived our lives so insulated from the world that we’re not familiar with them (though, actually these days, fifty plus years on from some of it, it is entirely possible to be ignorant of the British Invasion and much of the old psychedelic rock—no judgment, there’s really no reason to worry about it). This fellow went on to suggest that you needed no other band! This idea left me a bit breathless. What do you mean we don’t “need” any other band? What the hell kind of argument is that? Music is a vast sea of variety and beauty that can be dipped into at any point and amazing treasures can be retrieved through that rewarding exploration. This fellow, however, was satisfied with his one band. He stipulated the many ways the Beatles covered all varieties of music. They had acoustic and electric styles, they occasionally dipped into old jazz and humorous takes on twenties singing styles (that appealed to their older producers), they had love songs, they had rebellion songs, they had rockabilly, blues, and even crazy experimental pieces. You see? he wound up with a triumphant flourish, everything you need! One imagines the fellow seated in front of his stereo pondering what he’ll listen to today. Obviously one of the Beatles albums at his fingertips, but then, which of the wonderfully diverse styles will he delve into. The connoisseur style of appreciating a beloved collected item usually involves a circling of a very narrow range of focus expanded into a universe of detailed familiarity. Imagine living in a fish bowl like a little goldfish. How each familiar day would have to be spent looking over the same bits of gravel and swimming through the same little plastic treasure chest. How your daily highlight might be when the owner comes and sprinkles a pinch of pink and red flakes of food onto the surface of your water. You’d pick at that, you’d maybe swim a few laps, and then? Well I can tell you I’d be looking to leap out in a suicide plunge to end the monotony. Obviously goldfish don’t suffer this kind of mental torment, their most devastating experience is getting toilet flushed. But also, it seems to me many people don’t apparently suffer from the endless familiarity much either. My friend reaching for his vanilla over and over again, the fellow who only needs the single band’s album output to be satisfied, folks who are perfectly happy to never leave their apartments, or watch the same old reruns of television programs over and over. These people fascinate and somewhat terrify me. The goldfish-like ability to never leave the self-proscribed limits of interest would make my life not worth living, and yet these folks seem to thrive!

Shit talk. Again it’s inevitable. I was watching an episode of a comedy show in which Jerry Seinfeld was discussing the business with Jim Carey. Carey very astutely pointed out that most comedy is about superiority. We are laughing down at others who aren’t as erudite or clever as ourselves. Could be a variety of other qualities that we might laugh at as well, but in so many ways what is comic is us feeling a bit better than those who somehow don’t measure up. Maybe this is my argument, maybe I’m feeling superior about not living what I see as the limiting lives of some of these people I’m discussing. Just because I’m not interested in telling or hearing the same jokes or music every day, day in and day out, doesn’t mean others can’t be satisfied by it. Who am I to say? And what judgment I level at it is possibly entirely subjective. I see our world as this massive place that we’ll never get to put our arms around entirely, but that we should do our best to appreciate and experience through any means available to us. However, there is fear. There’s not just fear of the unknown, but fear of not knowing!

As a young man I was a bit ashamed of my inexperience. I was quite limited, as I am now, financially and so I worked hard, out of this insecurity, to dismiss things I wasn’t familiar with. One day someone mentioned that I should read Jack Kerouac and I was stunned. I’d not heard of him. Who was this artist that this guy knew about and I didn’t!? Eventually I got my hands on the famous On The Road and blew through it with an eye toward hating it. What a shitty book, I cried with laughter. What ridiculous style, what silly anecdotes. What were we going to learn from this dope? Nothing! I concluded, my defenses up and my walls against influence secure. Uh oh. Yes there I was feeling insecure and afraid and doing my best to avoid changing and enjoying and experiencing. I heard Henry Miller describe much the same feelings writing in his treatise Books In My Life. I longed to be superior, and I thought if I could dismiss all the influences and experiences other folks had that I had not, then, I was equal. By the way, it is remarkably easy to be stubbornly untouched by the world. You only have to keep your habits as they are. You only have to ignore the new offerings. Or at best, simply skim them and hate. It’s as easy as ignoring a homeless fellow, or dismissing a workmate because of their ferally southern accent.

What you soon learn as you expand outside your fishbowl, the thing you should have left as a child, as you get more skillful about navigating the more dangerous world outside your baby crib, is that some people never do. Some people hate challenges and hate having to open themselves to scary new experiences. They “hate” people, and they “hate” social situations they haven’t got control over. We’re all like this to some degree.

Am I wrong to want to get people to expand their experiences? To argue for more unfamiliarity in our lives? To break conformity and comfort bubbles that surround many of us to the point of fearing anything not immediately in our circles of experience? Isn’t this, in fact, what causes, at least in part, xenophobia and terror about the world? Most of what is in our lives, easily on offer, is the sameness that can be sold to the most people. Almost all products are aimed at that middle-of-the-bell-curve of human desire and experience. It’s why there’s an isle in the grocery store called “international”, rather than the products scattered throughout. It’s how various forms of religion develop and perpetuate. Progressive change is impeded by the fear of experience. Impedance is a factor of a natural human reaction to fear of experience.
Shit talk nothing, shit talk is necessary. We have to break these barriers and we have to cause experiences to happen, good and bad. The bubbles need to be burst because they’re impedance on social improvements. Fear is not an option. Shit talk undermines superiority. Shit talk is our tool!

Caddyshack Revisited


It was 1980, I was a pimple-faced fat kid who was just leaving the world of James Herriot novels and an obsession for trout fishing to enter into a lifetime fixation with, well, women. Women who, mostly, were never quite interested in me. Of course, there are few things crueler than a teenage girl—pretty little human beings negatively preoccupied with the foulness of any odors and unusual looks.
I grew up in Coventry, Rhode Island, and we had a little grungy downtown cinema frequented by the local kids. And when I saw Caddyshack I remember the audience being mostly high school kids and feeling like I was at a school assembly. I can’t remember if I saw it with my friend Kerry or not. But I can remember laughing hardest at some of Bill Murray’s portrayal of Carl. At one point Carl is tasked with killing gophers, at first he misunderstands the over-the-top Scottish accent of his boss and thinks he’s being told to kill golfers on the golf course, but once it’s made clear Carl accepts the job and adds with a shrug of resigned clarification, sure I can kill the gophers . . . don’t even need a reason. And that line, killed me at fifteen.

Netflix is carrying the old film, and it’d been about thirty-five years since I’d seen it. I selected it with some trepidation, would I enjoy it, could it possibly hold up? So few things loved as a kid do manage to survive adult scrutiny. Especially when coupled with a disdain for nostalgia. Seriously, I don’t do nostalgia.

The Kenny Loggins song kicks in, the puppet starts dancing, and I thought, OK at least it’s not goddamned CGI. Here’s what impressed me, about the revisit to an old favorite. Ted Knight’s rich bastard character was much better than I remembered. I remember hating him, and you still do hate him, but you also are impressed with his amazing expressiveness. Ted Knight for me was always Mary Tyler Moore’s Ted Baxter the dumb-as-dirt, self-important anchorman on the news show they produced. In Caddyshack his role isn’t much different as the judge, and his job is basically to cross foils with Rodney Dangerfield’s goofy loutishness, but it works. If exaggeration is a means of effective teaching, and it is, then we can imagine these incidents being told to us by not quite trustworthy blue collar pals in the break-room. Dangerfield’s strutting and tossing of bills, slamming the judge’s hat, and stupid child, and the entire zombie dance of the old folks—confusingly Caddyshack is a series of events that seem unconnected in any sensible context but it barely matters because you’re excited by the feral quality of most of the humor—the story seems intact because we all want to believe in the richness of mythological superior moments.

Moving on we meet Noonan, a regular kid acting as our straight man to most of the movie’s action. He gets slammed early on by Ted Knight’s judge telling him that the world needs ditch diggers as well as lawyers, implying solidly that he doesn’t much care what happens to our hero. As a young man this bit of asshole Republicanism lodged deep. It was as good as Mary Karr’s father saying that a Republican is someone who can’t enjoy a meal unless he knows someone else is going without. After all we are raised in this nation to believe our desire and our work ethic are what matter, not our economic hang-ups, or social position acquired from birth. Noonan takes it in stride after all he’s got an adorable, and generous lady-friend at the country club with a spell-binding Irish brogue, sorta. She also takes it in stride when Noonan clearly pursues the beautiful relation of the judge, Lacey Underall. More about this later.

One of the things that jumps out thirty-five years later is the youthfulness of both Murray brothers. Bill as Carl and his brother Brian-Doyle who portrays the caddy manager. Today these brothers are doing a podcast visiting baseball clubs around the nation and enjoying song and jokes about baseball in general. Sadly, sports-ball is not my thing and not even the clever fun of the Murray brothers is likely to assuage that, I’m sorry to say. It’s important because much of this movie revolves around people golfing, but never so much that you’re actually worried about having to watch golf. Also, gambling rears its ugly head, and quickly goes off the rails, with betters soon betting on nose-picking, and doubling exhorbitant sums in a space where gambling is supposed to be illegal. I think what I liked best about that as a kid was the portrayal of ostensible adults acting like unleashed kids, it’s both unnerving and somehow satisfying to realize that the world (or at least the world of certain movies) is populated by people who are all just a step away from unhindered foolishness. It’s not just Dangerfield and Knight who are behaving with the unhinged rambunctiousness of empowered demons. Dangerfield and Knight are of a generation both born in the 1920s and seemingly comfortable vying as contemporaries from opposite angles of the social spectrum. While both characters portrayed are wealthy, Dangerfield’s Czervik is frustrated and bored with the stuck-up attitude of the elite and acts to undermine it, making him heroic to the movie-going audience. This differs from Dangerfield’s usual self-deprecating humor in which he “gets no respect”, and which he played with great success in about 1000 Tonight Show appearances (actual score of appearances was 70!).

Alongside these heavyweight characters trading blows is Ty Webb, a strange and often wholly unfunny weirdo played by Chevy Chase. I remember as a kid wanting desperately to like him, as I had enjoyed him on Saturday Night Live and was probably the only person in the country who actually liked his TV comedy special. Chevy is strange, many of his lines are entirely oddball and seemingly random. My uncle says you have a screw loose engenders, “Your uncle molests collies.” I’m sure I guffawed and probably even tried that line out a few times at school, but now, Chase’s haunted, goofy, possibly gay, maybe a Vietnam veteran making the noise of the Six Million Dollar Man as he golfed—meant to seem vaguely mystical with a tinge of martial artistry—just falls flat. He has a few sight gags, billowing smoke between his clenched teeth, and spilling wine, and punching decorations with vigorous gestures a la Woody Allen in Play It Again, Sam. But none of it seems funny now. Especially when compared to Murray’s outstanding and lovable looniness.

OK let’s get to Bill’s portrayal of Carl. What is going on here? Is Carl autistic? Is he meant to seem handicapped? I never thought to ask back in the day, but now I’m finding myself a little uncomfortable with Murray sticking his lip out sideways and sounding rather like he’s had some sort of stroke. As his gopher-hunting activities escalate we’re along for the ride, but his appearances in the film are genuine gold. Blasting the flower heads with his drives while he improvises being on a television golf show, or producing animals to trick the gopher with out of C4 explosives I remember I was most enthralled with his wonderful fun. When, near the start of the movie, he’s got Noonan backed up against the wall with a pitchfork carelessly pointed at his throat and telling him about the Dali Lama granting him prefect consciousness on his deathbed (whatever that means) it becomes part of us. Later, when Ty and Carl meet in Carl’s shabby abode, the character is greatly expanded. Carl seems much more acutely aware than he did before. He’s interested in Ty, and tries to socialize with him. He’s even got a research project going on with a grass hybrid you can supposedly smoke. Then, they start passing a doobie and shotgunning booze over it. Chevy as Ty is oddly straight for a guy with the weirdest lines in the movie, at one point following a come-on from Lacey to tie her up with his ties with “let’s pretend we’re real human beings.” Getting back to the story at hand, Ty wants to just play his ball through Carl’s home, Carl then starts up a gas blower to clean up. Scene over. But what a fun scene, it does nothing to enhance the movie, nothing to move the story of our hero Noonan as he attempts to get a scholarship. It is there merely for the yucks produced by these two SNL alums.

Back to Noonan’s love life. Soon enough he’s managed to bed the lovely relative of the judge, boobies are out for this scene and I don’t remember having been a young person thrilled about it. I wholly forgot it. But lovely boobs are on display and what does a young man watch a movie for? I’ll tell you, boobs. Noonan gets quite lucky, until he’s boldly dressed in the robe of the judge who promptly arrives to kill him, retreating Noonan steals into the bathroom where the wife of the judge is taking a shower—the lady having walked half barefoot in her torn dress directly to the shower we presume—OK we’ll roll with it, as it’s a cute sequence of the older lady giving a fine smile to our hero.
Here’s where things get interesting. Noonan also beds Maggie, who in a later scene he offers to marry out of an impulse of chivalry. The Lacey character is also with the Chevy Chase character for an odd nude massage scene. And in the end Noonan is with Maggie again, receiving a kiss in the final celebratory moment of the film. Was 1980 a more sexually liberal time? It appears so. The final line of the movie delivered seemingly at random by Dangerfield is “Hey everybody we’re going to get laid!”, which is received with a big cheer from the crowd he yells it to.
As a boy I remember this film giving me a sense of possibilities of the future in the way some of those jackass “What Will You Do?” with your life assemblies they did at High School were meant to. I didn’t care about golf or riches. What I cared about was being loved, and finding pleasure. Caddyshack, while obviously a vehicle for rambunctious jokestering, championed a kind of celebration of epicurean lifestyle. Granted much of that style relied on extreme wealth, but the character of Noonan managed to parley, despite his lower economic status, a healthy, and fully immersed experience which was assisted by kindness and hopefulness that are the mark of any sensible band of humanity. One hopes that Carl will achieve his goals and become the head groundskeeper, and that the jokes will continue, and that we all will get laid!

Five Delicious Emergency Recipes You Can Make In a Pinch!

We’ve all been there, low supplies and ice on the roads. How to satisfy the family while keeping the meal nutritious during a nor’easter or an arctic clipper isn’t magic, it’s about using your noggin. Creativity will save the day in most situations and provide meaningful nourishment your family will thank you for, right after demanding it of you. Let’s get to it!

The first of the five emergency meals is a favorite all the time. My kids go nuts for it on TV night and I usually have it ready by the time The Brady Bunch is on. Jiffy Pop and eggs is all you’ll need and believe me it truly is fun to make!
Get the Jiffy Pop going on the stovetop. Once it’s blossomed into that fantastic shining balloon of popped corn goodness, tear it open and crack two eggs into it. Cover it back up and shove it in the toaster oven for about five minutes at 400 degrees. Pull it out and serve. That’s it! It’s a hot ticket to your family’s hearts!

The next meal for irregular situations is a practical solution to the age old problem of using up those frozen goods. We all have good intentions when we buy those Goya fruit pastes or that extra large, fifteen dollar, bag of frozen strawberries, but after awhile it is clear that those things are taking up much needed space. But what to do with them? Fret no more I have the solution! Take that frozen freezer stuffer to a well greased nine by nine baking tray and fill to the brim with any of your unwanted fruit. I like to lay the pineapple or guava paste boards in the bottom of the pan and top with berries. Set the oven to 400 degrees and bake for about 20 minutes while the kids take a bath. Have yourself a cigarette and a cognac. When the time’s up pull the piping hot fruit out and crack a couple of eggs over it and send it back in the oven for about two minutes. Health experts tell us that fruit and protein are a perfect meal for those of us putting on a bit of tire round the middle, if you know what I mean! Hey, the fruit and eggs is about done, time to get those kids on the sofa for an episode of the Love Boat while they sing mom’s praises!

The third no fuss meal for stormy weather comes to us from Beatrice Morsello and was a favorite of her immigrant family when they first arrived from their shithole country. After a long day of working the loading docks her papa wanted nothing more than to settle in with a beer and his favorite meal of baked root vegetables. That’s right, anything you’ve been saving in that bottom cupboard near the stove, the old potatoes sprouting legs, the slowly softening parsnips, the old carrots–keepers for a storm day! Arrange these root vegetables on a huge baking sheet like this, potatoes, turnips, parsnips, yucca, carrot, onion and repeat. Put enough on the sheet for a real smorgasbord of flavorless starch. Set your oven to 400 degrees and bake those suckers good for about an hour. Have the kids de-flea the family cat while you’re waiting and get them pumped for an episode of Happy Days. What does Fonzi say kids?! Ayyyyyy! As soon as you pull the roots out of the oven crack a couple of eggs over it and stick it back in the oven for a few minutes, you’ll be glad you did. Yum-yum, nothing satisfies like piping hot root vegetables. Health experts remind us that eggs have good cholesterol. And no one knows what that means!

It’s about time for that fourth recipe folks, this one is a real killer. It’ll make your kids so glad they came in from your tick infested backyard to watch Charo on the Jerry Lewis Telethon that’s been on most of the weekend and you’re out of cognac. The kids want foodstuffs and you’re prepared, aren’t you? No? Well look again at those packages of ramen! Ramen have about a hundred and ninety calories per package with or without the sauce packet. That’s right, the sauce packet is clearly calorie free! I usually have a large collection of the little foil packages ready to sprinkle onto almost any dish, chicken, beef, that weird one that you can’t really tell what it is . . . anyway get ready to use those little foil packets for all they’re worth while that lady with the fucking lambchop puppet depresses your children. Boil up all the ramen in the house, and slice up some bananas, try to use up the old ones because you know no one is taking a brown banana to lunch with them. Mash the bananas into the ramen once they’re all piping hot on the stovetop. Add flavor packets to taste. You’re probably about out of eggs by now, so for a flair the kids will love, dump some brandy on the serving bowls and light them on fire! Your kids will love and then quickly be disturbed by the dancing flames.

I know I said five meals, but Jesus I’m exhausted and Starsky and Hutch are on and the kids seem a bit woozy now, so I don’t wanna get them all cranked up again. So just get out some of that brick-hard Aldi’s ice cream and see if you can identify the artificial flavors in that neopolitan. Enjoy!

Arguments III: Self Mythology and Understanding Chaos

We love to tell successful stories about ourselves and have an astonishingly adept ability to find nonexistent patterns in chaos—we can see faces in wood grain, or bunnies in clouds—we tend to make neat narratives about our lives where none really existed. Of course, some of this is done just to simplify, but more often than not we strip our stories of the vast amounts of confusion and flat-out anxiety over the unknown.

Self-help gurus would have us get up every day and say a bunch of self-affirming dreck into a mirror. While there may be positive results of doing such (maybe you were about to slit your wrists?), no one can say there’s any evidence that doing so has the slightest influence on the outcome of our lives. Devotions to spiritual deities are much the same self-help nonsense. These games we play with ourselves may help us survive by convincing us, at least temporarily, or parochially, that we matter.

Facing the world as it is, which is to say, random and without concern for us, scares the piss out of some folks. Especially folks who grew up in that bubble of religious belief that cradled them with this idea that human beings are somehow the children of greater super parents who are looking out for us. I get the desire for this comfort, and it makes sense that so many cling to it with fervor, however it’s utterly immature, virtually by definition.

In other words, desiring a kind of super-parenting beyond your childhood is in fact the ultimate “Peter Pan” syndrome.

And I’d go so far to say more destructive to society than drugs. Why? Because belief in this supernatural sense of self-importance related to cosmic care hinders actual social progress. Believers have a tendency—despite the dedication to family and even some admirable charitable causes—to press belief over rational causality. While most American Christians have a tendency to variably define their God, it is almost certainly the case that each one considers all others wrong. It has long been understood that our nation of individuality breeds religious variation, in fact, long ago quipped by some founding father intellectual that every man in America with a Bible has his own religion. But I stray from my point.

Our self-narratives, linear and clean, expressed as solutions to problems overcome, reflecting Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (especially in terms of esteem and love), are inevitably as full of bullshit as our popular movies. We adore a clean story of success and admirable, possibly even, ethical process. We want our heroes to be heroic down to their boot soles, their prosperity the result of their genius and hard work. I will admit that without some hard work and smart thinking chances for prosperity likely plummet, but it is also the case that the prosperous are, more often than not, just as shiftless and lazy about their choices as any of us are. Good fortune does not favor anything we can pinpoint. Randomness cannot be harnessed or influenced. This is why investments are gambles. This is why there are hedge fund specialists. This is why corporations and research institutions employ risk analysts. We don’t like hearing about these things. We are discomfited by the idea of so much risk and gamble. But these elements are solid truths of our society. While the blue collars sweat and toil, every night putting their hands together to appeal to God, the owners and bankers are reading the statistical research from their analysts.
Statistics are the language of science. Understanding statistics is the antithesis of con artists and bullshit. While statistics can be used to lie, the lies are only very successful with the statistically illiterate. And so, I suggest to you to read a stats book. There are many good ones. One of my favorites is Statistics Explained by Perry Hinton. I’m sure you can get a cheap used copy! And to wrap up, don’t be fooled by people’s excitable mythology about themselves. We can’t help making up the shit to make our stories seem vital and reasonable. It’s a human folly that we have little control over.

It’s as irresistible as imagining we can easily solve anyone else’s problems!